This week I woke up one morning to find Millburn High featured on Good Morning America for the now infamous hazing and “slut list." A few hours later a friend in Texas messaged me that they were talking about it on “The View."

There has been an onslaught of media attention over the allegations of hazing at Millburn High School. As one parent has said, it’s schadenfreude, people taking pleasure in the misfortune of others.  In this case, tarnishing the reputation of the number one high school in the state, and certainly one of the best in the nation.

I believe it’s a bit of that, but I also believe it’s because the idea this type of behavior has been tolerated for 15 years is so shocking. I wrote last week about the hazing, and I received angry  comments from an anonymous reader who was clearly upset with what they perceived to be my broad condemnation of the senior girls this year.

Let me state, I in no way inferred or wrote that all the senior girls were involved in the incident. I said this particular group of girls, the girls who hazed have a reputation as being particularly nasty. Do I know who these girls are as the commenter accuses?  No, I have no idea who is behind this.

I have seen the list, it’s disgusting.  I can’t imagine how a 13 or 14 year old would be pleased to have those things written about them, even if it means they will be popular. Popular at what price?  And contrary to the commenter on my column last week, after reading the list and seeing the pictures I can honestly say, no. No one is blowing this out of proportion.  I’m done talking about the list, the hazing and the like. We’ve heard enough about what happened.

I applaud Jen Connic for not releasing any of the names on the list or turning it over to any of the national media outlets that have asked for a copy.  What good would that do but to further humiliate these girls? 

Rather this week I want to ask what is going to be done about this?  The school board can say up and down this won’t be tolerated, but clearly it has been happening for the last decade.  Can we blame the school board?  Not entirely.   Can we blame the administration? Yes partially.

Any place—whether it’s a church, a high school, or a workplace—that is more concerned about brushing things under the carpet so as not to sully their good name,  than with solving the problem, is partially to blame for the actions that take place there. They're a result of the culture that's been created.

But really we must take issue with ourselves. When we sit by and do nothing when faced with people mistreating others, we give the abusers more power. Are these girls mass murderers? No. Are they inflicting deep wounds upon their victims? Yes. Bullying degrades and makes the victims ashamed. Bullies have the power to intimidate and terrorize. Sadly, we give them this power.

According to a 1990 study entitled "Peer Rejection in Childhood," researchers found school kids fall into one of five social categories: Popular, accepted, rejected, neglected and controversial. Approximately 12 percent of children are rejected and 4 percent are neglected. That’s 16 percent of each class, each year. That’s a lot of disenfranchised kids.

Any parent of girls can tell you social power grabs happen as early as pre-school. You see it as small children begin to play in groups and begin to exclude other children with the infamous “You can’t play with us."

Vivian Gussin Paley, a former kindergarten teacher, noticed this year after year in her classroom. Children would be rejected by others and the hurt was almost palpable.  She created a rule called “You can’t say you can’t play," first in her classroom and then in all the other classrooms up to grade five. At first, those with more social clout balked. “It will be fairer, but how are we going to have any fun?” asked one. Paley instituted the rule anyway. No child was allowed to exclude another. Period. And you know what?  Within a week, Paley reports, the dynamic in her classroom had shifted. The atmosphere in the room was lighter and, more importantly, these children knew it was "the rule;" they didn’t need to be taught it again.

What if our schools engaged in this program? Can you imagine the difference?

Paley is quick to point out that there are dilemmas in this type of thing, but for children to learn that process is extremely important. Former students tell her they still remember the rule and try and implement it in their homes and workplaces.

There was much talk at the Board of Education meeting about task forces and signed pledges, but that won’t change long-ingrained behavior. 

Millburn High School Principal William Miron and Schools Supt. Richard Brodow asked for suggestions, so here are some:

• Adopt district-wide school uniforms. Then there will not be a clothing status issue or, as Miron pointed out on Monday, children wearing inappropriate clothing. 
• Make certain the administration does not just pay lip service to discipline, because the kids will never respect that. 
• Institute a program like "You Can’t Say You Can’t Play” from pre-school to grade five.
• Change the culture of the town and hold people accountable for their actions. I’m pretty sure if misbehaving kids' bad behavior is punished, it will give the others pause. This is what will start to change things. Not a pledge, or sensitivity training session. I thought that’s what "zero tolerance" meant.

If you have further suggestions please tell me about them in the comments section.