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NJ Would Not Survive Zombie Apocalypse, Analysis Finds

Photo via Flickr Creative Commons/flickr.com/photos/tobias-m-eckrich/
Photo via Flickr Creative Commons/flickr.com/photos/tobias-m-eckrich/
If you're from New Jersey and the zombie apocalypse strikes, you're likely screwed.

In today's latest zombie news, the Garden State ranked dead last on a list of states best prepared to survive the zombie uprising.

Estately, a real estate website, ranked the 50 states and Washington D.C. to determine who would be best equipped to survive based on criteria like number of military personnel, martial artists, survivalists, zombie enthusiasts, laser tag aficionados, gun owners and highest percentage of obese residents. 

And things are not looking good for the average New Jerseyite.

If the zombie apocalypse began today, and you live in New Jersey, the odds are 100% that you’ve already been bitten and have become a zombie,” Estately wrote.

Alaska, Wyoming, Colorado, Idaho and New Mexico snagged the top 5 spots of most prepared U.S. states.

Estately gleaned a few takeaways based on their findings: 

From the rankings, we discovered these surprising truths…

  • Delaware is an island of survivors in the zombie-strewn hellscape that will be the Mid-Atlantic.
  • Florida, where the zombie apocalypse (like all serious problems) will no doubt begin, is oddly not in 51st place.
  • Wisconsin can now make fun of Minnesota and Michigan about something other than the Green Bay Packers standing in the NFC North.
  • New Jersey and Mississippi routinely end up on the bottom of lists. All lists.
  • Rural states offer favorable survivability.
  • Something’s wrong with Nebraska.
  • Utah loves laser tag.
  • The West Coast and the South will eventually agree on something—the delicious appeal of brains.

The findings come just days before the season finale of the popular AMC show "The Walking Dead."

Read the full report on Estately.
Brian N March 30, 2014 at 02:13 PM
That's too bad
Vic Monaco March 30, 2014 at 02:31 PM
During training, editor trainees including myself were told Patch was going to focus on "hyperlocal NEWS." But when some of us heard questions from some trainees such as "what do you mean by a news beat?," we realized they weren't necessarily focused on hiring journalists. Not sure if folks were being conned or Patch was naïve. In any case, hard news was lacking on the sites and then almost disappeared.
DD March 30, 2014 at 03:16 PM
"You were the one who defended a Patch story on zombies, so it seems fair to believe you are a zombie enthusiast who reads Patch." Not sure about what "fair" means, but this is certainly a flawed analysis.
Paul Wolsko March 30, 2014 at 07:57 PM
Good grief - the article was intended to be light humor, unless I am mistaken.

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